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Stonewalling ~ One of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in Relationships
What It Is and How to Prevent It
Our walk was quiet on that night long ago. He answered my questions with a terseness with which I was well familiar. I stopped trying to make conversation and the stony silence descended. I had hurt his feelings or made him angry somehow. There was no point in trying to talk about it. I knew I would get no response if I did. When we got home, I settled into my comfortable chair to read a bit. My heart ached as he walked by without a word and went to bed. One of the four horsemen of the apocalypse had come galloping onto the scene…stonewalling.
In their book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John M. Gottman and Nan Silver write about the four horsemen of the apocalypse as the four signs that trouble is brewing in a marriage. When I think of the four horsemen, I think of the scene in The Lord of the Rings when the Nazgûl (or Ringwraiths) were coming for Frodo. It was a dark scene. The wind howling, the horses screaming, and the labored breathing of the masked Nazgûl foreshadowed death and destruction. This is how Gottman and Silver characterize the effect that Gottman’s four horsemen can have on a marriage. The horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Gottman and Silver indicate that the regular…
